Things have been tough around here for a while now. I'm not talking about the little things, the medical things, or financially (although that can sure be tough, too). I'm talking about my relationship with Bart.
It seems like the most trying time of our years together happened right after we got married. Bart was Trustee of the AOSA, and that duty took up so very much of his time between the day after our wedding to around Thanksgiving. Once Thanksgiving rolled around, studying for the National Board Exams began to take over his life. I hate the Boards. Even though Bart has taken them and is done studying, I still harbor an anger and resentment toward them and him that is surprising even to myself.
From Thanksgiving to March 17th, the only times I saw Bart were when I served him dinner, kissed his sleeping head goodbye in the morning, and when we came home in the evening. I almost always ate by myself (Bart studied in his office while he ate), went to bed alone (Bart stayed up most nights to study), and spent all of my free time alone. We never had much time to talk or to love on each other because he was in such a rush to study. And I understood that the Boards were a big deal. I mean, who wouldn't be freaked out by 500 questions and TWELVE HOURS of test taking over a two day period?
After Christmastime, I began to really feel disconnected from Bart. Like we were roommates or something. I told him about my feelings, which resulted in a fight, and he said that "after Boards" we would go on a date. As February approached, I began to resent Bart for spending all of his time studying. I told him that our marriage needed some effort on his part, too, which resulted in a fight. He told me that "after Boards" things would get better. In early March, I felt completely disconnected. I felt like I had nothing in common with my husband and, if pressured, I wasn't sure I could give someone many details about his likes/dislikes, etc. even after over five years together. And I was scared. Again, I voiced my concerns, which resulted in a fight, and Bart told me that "after Boards" we would be happy.
Well, the Boards came and went, and I wasn't feeling any more confident about our circumstances. I began to wonder if getting married wasn't a mistake. I wondered if Bart had become so distracted by school and exams that he fell out of love with me. We went out on our first REAL date since Thanksgiving on last Friday, and it was nice, but I felt completely awkward the whole time. We just sat in this weird silence and stuttered out sentences to each other. After a while we seemed to be able to make small talk to last for the rest of the dinner. And he seemed completely oblivious. It was devastating. And I was so overwhelmed by hurt, confusion and anger that I didn't know what to think.
This past Friday, we had a fight. The kind where you finger-point, scream, cry, hurt and shock. It was terrible. I told Bart how alone I had been, how far apart we'd grown. I told him of my resentments, mainly the one that our lives had revolved around him and optometry for so long that he had completely forgotten about me. I told him how deeply I was hurt a neglected as a result of the Boards and how shameful it was that we had lost each other while LIVING together. I told him that he had led me to believe that something magical was going to happen to us on the day after the Boards were over, and I still felt worthless. I told him that there was no way I could go on trying to, single-handedly, keep our marriage together; that it was his job, too. And I told him that I wondered if he even loved me anymore. I cried so hard, and for so much that I felt we had lost forever.
But you know what? He heard me. For the first time (because I guess boys are dumb like that). He told me he wasn't aware at how scared and lonely I'd become, that he loved me more than life itself, and that he was going to do everything it took to make me feel like I mattered again. And he did. Friday night (after the fight, a cry, a cuddle and a shower) we had a wonderful date night at home. We talked for so long about so many different, trivial things. We even discovered some things about each other we didn't know. It was heaven, pure heaven. And we did the same on Saturday after work and all day long today.
We finally feel like we are back on track, though we still have a lot of time and love we need to give to each other to be where we ought to be. I think, right now, I am really rather grateful to find that we were strong enough to get through this rough patch. And that we *both* understand the importance of listening to fears that the other is having.
