Home Alone--Chicago Style!

Tonight marks the first time Bart and I have been apart since we got married. It's also the first time I've had to be alone in this apartment--yikes! Bart had to go to an American Optometry Student Association Board meeting in St. Louis since he's is the Trustee for his school. I can't tell you how much I miss him and how frightened I am to be left alone here.

All I can think about is the crime rate in the city. I used to feel safe since we live on the third floor (who wants to climb five flights of stairs to rob someone, anyway??), but a co-worker, who also lives on the third floor of her building, told me that she was robbed twice!. And you know what? I don't even have a bat or a golf club here to defend myself with. It looks like I'm going to have to sleep with my biggest kitchen knife next to my bed for a little comfort. Wouldn't it be nice if I was creative enough to come up with do-it-yourself bad-guy catcher stuff like Macaulay Caulkin? Sadly, we've put all our ornaments away and I don't own matchbox cars.

On the other hand, though, I think it will be really great for us to have some time apart. Like I said in an earlier blog, Bart and I have been spending waaaay too much time together. I mean, I love being with the guy, but it is so hard not to get on each others nerves when we are together constantly. So tonight when I got out of work, I came home, changed, and went to the grocery store to get some junk food (which I'll regret come Sunday...) and TWO DVD's from the redbox!! And there is Period (like time period, people) movie marathon on Ovation this weekend, which I will be watching in full with zero grumbling from my darling husband! I'm a wild woman, I know.

My Mother's Necklace

A friend, in her blog, recently wrote about her most treasured possession. Her story was lovely, as were the items she chose. Ever since reading that post, I can't stop thinking about my most treasured item: my mother's Immaculate medal.


This is a necklace that I wear every day. I never take it off. It has hung around my neck almost since the night my mom breathed her very last breath. I wear it because every time I feel it brush against my skin, I think of her. Every time I grab hold of it, I think of how I used to trace it's circular shape when she wore it. It is the closest thing I have to having her with me.

The necklace was always our special thing. I remember the day it arrived. She was so excited and it looked so beautiful shining on her neck. The gold chain glittered, as did the cut rim around it. The Virgin Mary was so very tiny, yet so detailed that you could see the benevolent smile on her little face. I memorized the prayer written ever so small in the halo around her: O Mary conceived without sin pray for us who have recourse to thee. I would breathe in the scent of Mom's perfume while I stroked the gold chain and laid my head on her shoulder. Of course, since she loved it so much, I did, too. I would constantly nag her to let me wear it to school or when we went out as a family. She nearly always let me and it always made me feel so special to be able to wear something so fancy. It's selfish, but I always loved that she never let Traci wear it--only me.

Now, I am going to make a confession. Something I never told anyone about because I was too ashamed. When she was sick, she couldn't wear the necklace anymore. And I took it from her jewelry drawer. I wore it to a family friend's house when I was babysitting their kids. I took it off to go swimming, you know, to keep it safe. And I lost it. It could have gone anywhere. The kids were little, one could have grabbed it and thrown it in the toilet, garbage or grass. It could have fallen into the pool and been sucked up by the filter. And the worst part? I couldn't remember where exactly I had put it! There are no words to describe the terror and heartbreak I felt. And how could I tell?

I know it sounds crazy, but I found it just after she died. In the bag that I brought with me that day I went babysitting. In the little attached change purse. The one that I had already searched a million times before. A place I knew I hadn't put the necklace. But there it was. That day, I put it on, and it has left my neck only a handful of times since.

I wore it the day I graduated from high school. The day I found out I got into college. I was wearing it the day that Bart proposed to be on that little beach at the Cape and I wore it on the day of our wedding. It's silly, but it is like she's been there with me through each moment. I didn't even cry for her on my wedding day because I didn't feel like she was missing. All I felt was sublime happiness.


Now, when I look at my mother's necklace, I don't think it's as fancy as I thought it was when I was small. It is simple and beautiful, very elegant. Just like my mom.

Plague.

So I'm sick. Not just the "I don't feel well" kind of sick. I'm talking about the whole-body-hurts-plugged-head-raging-fever-sore-throat-up-all-night-blowing-your-nose-and-coughing kind of sick. I really think it's a combo of the flu and a sinus infection, so you can imagine how last night I was praying for God to just take me so I could get some sweet relief.

Anyone who knows me knows that I HATE to be legitimately sick. I do, however, like to feel kind of yucky so that Bart can baby me and I can drink ginger ale and eat pickles all day. But to be really sick? I'll pass every time. There is nothing worse than having a head so stuffy that you can't think straight or lay down flat.

BUT...I must say that I still love the babying I get from Bart! Last night when I got home from work (on my day off by the way--but that's a whole different story) Bart made us dinner and then we watched the Green Mile. All day today he has been bringing me drinks, medicine, and anything else I want. It does make being sick just a little bit more bearable!

Alone.

Sometimes the loneliness I feel here is more than I can bear. I have my Bart, but there is no one else I can really talk to or do things with. It can be so hard. It's one of the reasons why I'm so thrilled to be moving back home in May. I can be around people I have known my whole life--friends I'm missing and family, mainly. And it will be good to be in the country again. City life just doesn't agree with me. Or maybe it's this city that doesn't agree with me.

It will be so nice to have plans again. Plans that don't include Bart and his friends. I love being with my husband, but sometimes a girl needs to get out and be with her girlfriends, you know? Bart and I can get so short with each other because we spend practically all of our free time together. We were never a couple who wanted to spend every waking moment in each other's company because we tend to, after a while, get on each other's nerves. But, I don't want to be left here alone all the time while Bart goes out and has fun with his friends, and Bart feels bad leaving me by myself and is torn between going out and staying home. It's just a stinky situation.

I get so moody being stuck here in this apartment. You might think it is super easy to get around this city, because, you know, I'm sitting right in the middle of it, but it's not true. The blistering, blinding wind/cold are enough to keep anyone indoors. It doesn't help that, since we don't have a car, we have to stand in the cold wind to wait for any kind of transportation to take us from A to B. And when I do get out, it is usually to the grocery store (NOT my favorite place). If I go to a store where I actually want to shop, Bart is with me and he hates shopping in general almost as much as I had grocery shopping. He usually ends up at a cafe or bookstore to hang around while I shop alone. It's sad. I feel like I don't have anyone to really enjoy things with. Well, not the girl things, anyway.

It's so hard to be removed from everything you know and take comfort from to be in a place you don't like.

Resolutions

New Year's Eve means that it is time for me to sit down and make a list of all of my new resolutions for the year ahead. This year, however, I think that instead of listing a whole bunch (that I know I won't follow), I will just list one resolution. One that actually means something and will benefit me more than "getting in shape" or "eating healthy," etc.

This year, I am going to build my relationship with God. By going to our amazing church every Sunday, reading my Bible a bit each day and praying, I'll be able to meet my resolution--for the first time ever!

That's it. I think that is really all I need.

Hindsight

There are so many things I wish I could go back and tell my sixteen year old self. I don't have many regrets, but there are definitely words of encouragement and advice that I could have used along the way.

1. Get close to God now. You have no idea how much you will need Him over the years, and loving and knowing Him will help fill that huge void you feel from Mom's death. You will make peace with her death so much sooner if you do this. Listen to Aunt Jayne when she gives you this advice!

2. You will meet your first "love." Enjoy the good times together, but when they start to get bad, move on so you don't waste an extra year and a half of your life trying to salvage something that isn't there. He isn't "the one," anyway. You'll meet your true love in college!

3. Don't stress so much about grocery shopping/cleaning/cooking/taking care of Dad and Traci. Learn to do those things, but make sure Dad and Traci know how to take care of things, too. It will probably make a big difference in Dad's life, and help Traci feel needed. You need to make time to enjoy yourself, too.

4. DO NOT let people tell you that you, Traci and Dad are the reason Mom got sick and died. IT IS NOT TRUE! Don't loose sleep over it. Don't start chewing your lips over it, because you'll never break that habit once you start.

5. Spend more quality time with Dad and Traci. Again, this might alleviate issues that will arise later.

6. Get extra help in Math. I know it's horrible (it will always be horrible), but maybe it will make college a little easier and you won't have to take Math three times to graduate!

7. Don't think you're ugly or unattractive. You are not.

8. Don't think you need to major in English just because Mom, Aunt Linda and Kristin all did. You're good at it, yes, but take the time to really think about what you want to be and what you want to do with yourself. But I hope you still choose to go to Plattsburgh! You will make some of the BEST friends of your life there!

9. Remember everything Mom taught you and told you. She is always right. Listening to those life-lessons will serve you well and make things easier. Make sure to take the time to teach Traci, too.

10. Know that the life you are living will be even more wonderful than you imagined! You'll get through all of the tough times just fine. Only remember the good ones!

After Christmas Shopping

It's the day after Christmas, which means that the world (and the two of us!) are winding down. Even though we were unable to be with our families this year, our Christmas was still wonderful! We ate some delicious food--though I say it myself--got some really great/thoughtful gifts, and even began a new "family" tradition.

I had high hopes this year of getting Bart and myself new winter coats. Ours are 3 and 4 years old and, lets face it, peacoats just do NOT get the job done when you live in Chicago. I thought for sure that we would be able to get some great winter coats at pretty fantastic marked down prices today, you know, because it's the day after Christmas and every store in the world is having sales. But, alas, it is not to be! I have had my eye on a new Northface coat for months now. It's beautiful. Black, removable faux-fur around the hood, down-filled, and to the knee. And you know what? It's STILL $300! Which means that the coat I wanted Bart to get is also STILL $200. Sigh. I guess we are going to be cold for a while more.

In other news, I am also in the market for a new nostril screw. I lost mine on Christmas day when it fell down the drain. And it was the BEST screw I've had, too! It was pronged, so the fake diamond never fell out and it laid flat against my skin instead of sticking up like a big round zit in the way some screws do. I asked my sister to pick me up another (if they still have them) in Saratoga, but in the meantime, I am going to a tattoo parlor out here to see if they have something that will hold me over until the new one comes. So yes, folks, this is going to be my big after Christmas purchase!