Oh...hello!

I know it's been ages since I last wrote.  I wish I could say it is because things are so busy here, but really, we lead a pretty boring life here in Chicago.  We go to work, come home, make dinner and go to bed.  Every night.  Our only excitement is going out to eat and trying new, delicious foods.

Anyway, there have been some changes since last time I blogged.  I turned 25 on May 18th and Bart made it such a lovely little celebration.  His first externship began just a couple of weeks ago, and so far he seems to really love it.  Just yesterday he was telling me how he had a patient with what looked to be a pretty sever eye problem.  Bart went to his attending optometrist to talk about the case and the optometrist told him to treat the patient like he was the doctor.  Bart went ahead and ordered tests and was able to diagnose the patient--all on his own!  He said it was the first time he has actually felt like a doctor.

 I just started at a new position at the clinic on June 1st (thank GOD!).  It's in Materials/Optical.  So far, I love it.  I don't have to deal with screaming, ignorant patients or nasty, petty co-workers.  I think my job will mainly be to process orders for the meds and the lenses/frames that the clinic needs, but right now I am helping my co-worker straighten out a filing mess someone else made at a Chicago Public School (CPS) site.  It's really hard, tedious work, but I do love actually being able to see the progress we've made there each day.

And do you know what else has come as a result of this new position?  SHOPPING!!!  You guys, I haven't shopped in for-freakin'-ever.  I just haven't had the money, what with saving for the wedding, then Christmas, then birthdays and such.  And Bart and I eat out waaaay too much, but that is beside the point.  Anyway, since I don't have to wear black dress pants and a black blazer anymore (yessssssss!) I am free to shop for nice clothes that I can have fun wearing even outside of work.  I spent quite a bit of money at Old Navy on things, but, in my defense, they were ALL on sale AND I got an extra 20% off and free shipping.  Bart, bless his heart, is so happy to see me happy and loves that I am finally buying new clothes after years of wearing the same old things.  I just hope that I don't get back into my old habits of shopping constantly.  Yikes.

Trying something new

 

 

 

1. what's something you've eaten and liked, but didn't think you would?

     

     Chicken feet.  Bart and I went out for Dim Sum in Chinatown when I visited Chicago before I moved here.  They looked like the feet of dead chickens, but man were they good!

 

2. plastic surgery..yay or nay? 

 

     Yay!  I definitely plan on buying myself boobs after I have kids.  I'd really like to feel womanly confident in a bathing suit at some point in my life.

 

3. 2 things you love about spring are.....?

 

    Warm weather!  And seeing the world come alive again after a long, cold winter.

 

4. when's the last time you went on a picnic?

 

     Last summer.  Bart, Tommy, Jason and I all had a picnic dinner (complete with two bottles of wine and paper cups) on the lawn at to listen to the outdoor symphony in Grant Park.  It was one of the best nights of my life.

 

5. what's your favorite app?

 

     I am way behind the times.  I don't have a smart phone, so no apps.

 

6. who does the grocery shopping in your house?

 

    I do the grocery shopping.  If Bart does it, he gets the wrong brands, the wrong type of item (i.e. pork ribs instead of pork chops) or completely random stuff!

 

7. would you rather take a spin class or zumba?

 

     Whichever would whip my body into shape fastest.

 

8. how often do you go out to dinner?

 

     Sigh.  According to our bank account, too often.  But there are so many great restaurants here, how can we help ourselves???

It's Official...

we're staying in Chicago until September.  I didn't want to stay, but I also didn't want to leave Bart behind to deal with his externship and stuff alone.  So, I prayed and prayed about it, and I feel that I am supposed to stay here with him until we can go home--together--in the fall.

Things sort of worked out in his favor, which is really the only consolation we have right now.  He was able to get five hours (per week) of clinic time in Cornea/Contact Lens.  We wanted ten hours since he wants to do a residency and specialize in that area, but beggars can't be choosers.  The other five hours will be filled in Pediatrics, which makes Bart visibly cringe every time he says it out loud.  He loves kids, but you try taking a little one to an eye doctor and see how much fun it is.

Bart had to tell the people who wanted our apartment that we were staying, but it looks like they are going to move into the other apartment on our floor.  I was so happy to hear that it was still open so that they didn't have to suffer as a result of this whole mess, too.  Well, at least that little bit of stress is over!

As for me, I'm going to begin looking for jobs today and hope that I find a halfway decent one ASAP so I can get out of the job I have now.   And I'll be dreaming, daily, of all of things we could have enjoyed if we had been able to go home.

In case you haven't heard enough whining...

Bart and I found out this week that his first externship site got canceled.  But at least they were nice enough to give us less than two months' notice.  Jerks.

We are pretty much heartbroken over this news, for so many reasons.  This site was his V.A. site, which is required for him to graduate.  They bailed on him because (after he personally set this site up with one of the O.D.s there) they were given more budget money and decided to hire an extra resident.  The extra resident takes up the room they would have given Bart, but more importantly, the resident takes up the exam room Bart would have used.  The only other sites left?  One in Alabama and one 2 1/2 hours outside of Chicago--to which Bart would have no transportation.

Clearly, I'm also furious with these people.  They never gave him a heads-up, and they have also completely put his education in jeopardy.  I wish there was something we could do, but there isn't.  We just have to try to switch things around, hope that the V.A. can take him in the fall, and hope that his school approves all of the maneuvering.  If we do the switch we are praying for, Bart would miss out on 10 hours per week of Cornea/Contact Lens care.  This is the area he wanted to specialize in, so now he could be getting screwed from two different directions here.  Probably the worst thing we are up against is the fact that no one at his school is particularly helpful or reliable.  It is as though we are standing alone and trying, frantically, to make some sense out of this mess.

This now leaves us asking where I will end up.  We had planned on going home to the east coast in May, where I would stay permanently, and where Bart would be except for one quarter here in Chicago in the fall.  Now, I'm not sure what I should do.  I HATE my job.  I actually almost quit this past week because it has gotten so bad (but we need the insurance, so I'm stuck).  The only thing that has kept me going is that I knew I was going to be out of there forever in May.  I honestly CANNOT stay there longer than that. Bart and I were so thrilled to be leaving this city behind us and heading back to our families, friends and country life.  People, we had such fantasies.  I had envisioned eating dinner on the deck as the sun went down with my family; listening to the tree frogs and the crickets at night, and smelling the good, clean air.  I dreamed of having dinner with Bart's family at their home and after, sitting in the twilight on their enclosed porch and talking and laughing.  We had planned to go fishing, kyacking, walking, picnicking.  And now, we might lose a whole summer of that happiness with our families.

The Fight

Things have been tough around here for a while now.  I'm not talking about the little things, the medical things, or financially (although that can sure be tough, too).  I'm talking about my relationship with Bart.

It seems like the most trying time of our years together happened right after we got married.  Bart was Trustee of the AOSA, and that duty took up so very much of his time between the day after our wedding to around Thanksgiving.  Once Thanksgiving rolled around, studying for the National Board Exams began to take over his life.  I hate the Boards.  Even though Bart has taken them and is done studying, I still harbor an anger and resentment toward them and him that is surprising even to myself.  

From Thanksgiving to March 17th, the only times I saw Bart were when I served him dinner, kissed his sleeping head goodbye in the morning, and when we came home in the evening.  I almost always ate by myself (Bart studied in his office while he ate), went to bed alone (Bart stayed up most nights to study), and spent all of my free time alone.  We never had much time to talk or to love on each other because he was in such a rush to study.  And I understood that the Boards were a big deal.  I mean, who wouldn't be freaked out by 500 questions and TWELVE HOURS of test taking over a two day period? 

After Christmastime, I began to really feel disconnected from Bart.  Like we were roommates or something.  I told him about my feelings, which resulted in a fight, and he said that "after Boards" we would go on a date.  As February approached, I began to resent Bart for spending all of his time studying.  I told him that our marriage needed some effort on his part, too, which resulted in a fight.  He told me that "after Boards" things would get better.  In early March, I felt completely disconnected.  I felt like I had nothing in common with my husband and, if pressured, I wasn't sure I could give someone many details about his likes/dislikes, etc. even after over five years together.  And I was scared.  Again, I voiced my concerns, which resulted in a fight, and Bart told me that "after Boards" we would be happy. 

Well, the Boards came and went, and I wasn't feeling any more confident about our circumstances.  I began to wonder if getting married wasn't a mistake.  I wondered if Bart had become so distracted by school and exams that he fell out of love with me.  We went out on our first REAL date since Thanksgiving on last Friday, and it was nice, but I felt completely awkward the whole time.  We just sat in this weird silence and stuttered out sentences to each other.  After a while we seemed to be able to make small talk to last for the rest of the dinner.  And he seemed completely oblivious.  It was devastating.  And I was so overwhelmed by hurt, confusion and anger that I didn't know what to think.

This past Friday, we had a fight.  The kind where you finger-point, scream, cry, hurt and shock.  It was terrible.  I told Bart how alone I had been, how far apart we'd grown.  I told him of my resentments, mainly the one that our lives had revolved around him and optometry for so long that he had completely forgotten about me.  I told him how deeply I was hurt a neglected as a result of the Boards and how shameful it was that we had lost each other while LIVING together.  I told him that he had led me to believe that something magical was going to happen to us on the day after the Boards were over, and I still felt worthless.  I told him that there was no way I could go on trying to, single-handedly, keep our marriage together; that it was his job, too.  And I told him that I wondered if he even loved me anymore.  I cried so hard, and for so much that I felt we had lost forever. 

But you know what?  He heard me.  For the first time (because I guess boys are dumb like that).  He told me he wasn't aware at how scared and lonely I'd become, that he loved me more than life itself, and that he was going to do everything it took to make me feel like I mattered again.  And he did.  Friday night (after the fight, a cry, a cuddle and a shower) we had a wonderful date night at home.  We talked for so long about so many different, trivial things.  We even discovered some things about each other we didn't know.  It was heaven, pure heaven.  And we did the same on Saturday after work and all day long today. 

We finally feel like we are back on track, though we still have a lot of time and love we need to give to each other to be where we ought to be.  I think, right now, I am really rather grateful to find that we were strong enough to get through this rough patch.  And that we *both* understand the importance of listening to fears that the other is having. 

Shots

I've been going to the Chiropractor and physical therapist for about a month now, and while I haven't had a migrane or much jaw pain in a while, I am still having neck and back pain.  It has really depressed me that I've spent so much time and effort trying to get better and the muscle issues causing my problems won't seem to go away.

When I heard that I would be getting a massage three times a week (after therapy) I was so excited that I bragged to everyone who would listen (mainly Bart).  And the massage is now the WORST part of my therapy.  The pain I feel when they massage/press on my "trigger points" literally takes my breath away.  Like I CANNOT breathe when they work on me.  Apparently the muscles aren't "letting go" like they should, and so I'm getting some relief from symptoms, but none from the real issue at hand.  It's frustrating.

At my appointment today, the PTs, Dr., and NP told me that they believe my muscles have been so strained, tight and just out of whack for so long that scar tissue has built up around the trigger points, which means that it could take a year for them to be able to let go.  Before I could feel devastation, Dr. Crunch told me he wanted me to begin receiving injections in the trigger points from the NP.  So, today I had my first injection of Sarapin, which is a "distillation of a suspension of powdered Sarracenia purpurea (Pitcher Plant) which is well known in the holistic world for providing pain relief.  Anyway, the NP pushed down with her fingers alllllll over my back in order to locate my trigger points.  It hurt.  And you know what else?  So did the (FOUR) shots.  It was like a wasp sting.  With my muscle "jumping" on the needle every time it went in.  And on a side note, I am TERRIFIED of needles, so this should give you some indication of the pain I'm dealing with here.  Then I got tortured massaged again to help the Sarapin penetrate the muscles. 

All in all, I'm feeling pretty sore, but I am so excited about this treatment.  The NP said that most people only need a total of eight injections given over the course of a month to loosen the muscles enough for the PT to work.  Here's hoping it does its job!

Pain in the Spine

So recently I've been having some pain issues.  It began with my teeth, oddly enough.  I had a cleaning and sealants at the dentist just before Christmas, and since then I have been having terrible pain when I drink/eat anything cold and, lately, when I chew anything on the left side.  I can't even TELL you how many times I've been back to the dentist while he tried to figure out how he "threw off" my bite.

Anyway, a few weeks ago, I started having migraines.  Bad ones.  The kind that last for at least three days.  And I NEVER. GET. MIGRAINES.  My neck was constantly killing me, my left hip was making a knocking noise when I walked, my jaw was clicking when I opened my mouth wide...it was chaos, people.  So, I decided I'd head up the block and to the Chiropractor to see if he could fix me.

This is what a healthy spine looks like.  Mine?  Well, picture the side view with the curves going the opposite directions.  The front view?  It leans to the left.  My jaw?  Out of whack.  The neck part?  That is beginning to curve the wrong way, too, which is making my head hang out an inch in front of my body (gross).  And no, I don't have Scoliosis, which is about the only bright side in this whole mess.

Long story short, I have to have an adjustment my my doctor, we'll call him Dr. Crunch because of the sounds my back makes when he works on me, and PT three times a week.  Until mid May.  Which ends up being about 40 sessions.  Yikes.  But, the good news is that the migraines have stopped already--and I've only been going for two weeks.  Wish me luck!