This has been a pretty unfortunate week for me, what with surprise bills, screaming matches with my sister, and having the rug pulled out from under me in regards to my own wedding planning. Of course, I am frustrated.
Yesterday was horrible. After the whole color/dress fandango, I just couldn't find the strength or the will to think positive. I hurt from that encounter, especially in my heart. I laid in bed for quite a while after, mainly feeling sorry for myself and wishing that my Mom was here. I know that she is what is really missing--why I really can't seem to give in fully to excitement in the planning. Maybe I do expect too much of Traci because Mom isn't here anymore. Maybe I expect her to be as excited about all of this as Mom would be and to want to take the time to help me. I don't know. I just really wish she could step up and be there when I need her.
God was brought back into my life through my Aunt and cousin a year ago (on March 29th) during a pretty rough time. I began praying every night after I read a little bit of the Bible and my copy of My Utmost For His Highest. I really felt those prayers and conversations I had with God--right in my chest. It felt good and right. I am ashamed to say that, once I moved here, my prayers slowly came to a halt beyond thanking God every night for bringing Bart into my life. Yesterday, as I lay in bed feeling so alone, I realized the extent of my mistake. I MADE myself be alone by not continuing to strengthen my relationship with God. I felt like I just used Him. I thought that maybe I could pick up where I left off. I opened My Utmost and began reading. And nothing made sense. I couldn't concentrate or remember what I had just read. That made me feel so frustrated and even more alone.
When Bart and I went to bed, I tried to pray about what happened with everything. I couldn't. It just didn't feel right. I just felt so full of anger and hurt--filled to the top. It was like I was beating against a brick wall when I tried to pray. A wall that I just didn't have the strength to break down. And that really scared me. I don't want to have those kinds of feelings inside me, especially about my family. And I don't want those feelings to be a reason why I can't connect with God. I want to be able to let go and move on. I keep trying to just brush the whole incident off, but I keep feeling that sense of betrayal and a -rug-pulled-out-from-under-me feeling that makes the hurt and anger well up inside me again. So frustrating.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Alone.
The more time I spend planning this wedding, the more clear it is to me that I should be doing it alone to save myself a lot of yelling, crying and heartache. I have finally realized that I can't rely on my sister to want to help me plan my big day. Time and time again she has criticized every decision that I make, claimed that I don't make any decisions, hated my color choices, bossed me around, and the list goes on.
The only reason I regret moving out here to be with Bart is that I have not been able to be as involved in my wedding as I would like to be. I am pretty limited as to what I can do out here, and most stores that I want to go to (David's Bridal, Michael's, etc.) are located in the suburbs--a place I have no transportation to. I can't meet with my vendors to discuss my plans, I can't hand-pick the hurricane glasses I want for my centerpieces.
Traci throws all of this in my face. She doesn't see the fact that I WANT to do these things; she only sees that I don't, because I can't. I made the mistake of asking her to go with Kristin to David's Bridal to pick out short bridesmaids dresses in a shade of blue we had discussed. Today, Traci flipped out on me when I was freaked out that she, Kristin and Aunt Linda had selected a shade of PURPLE instead--a shade that I had never seen and couldn't imagine. I was very reluctant (and I think understandably so) to commit to this color since I a) wasn't expecting it, and b) had never seen it before. My wedding colors are blue, grey and white. Where the heck is purple supposed to fit in???
They were finally able to convince me that this purple was the way to go (after I found the shade on the internet), and then they call me and want me to make all the dresses LONG. I want short dresses. S-H-O-R-T. I have ALWAYS wanted this. The three of them based their argument on the fact that a bride near them decided that she wanted long dresses instead of short. I am not that particular bride. All they did today was make me feel like I had no idea what I was talking about or what I wanted, and that even if I did know what I wanted, they all knew better. Traci has been jonesing for a purple dress since the beginning of the wedding planning (well, after she came to terms with the fact that she wouldn't be wearing orange).
I just feel really, REALLY undermined and betrayed right now. This is MY wedding and MY decision. Traci texted me at the end of all of this to tell me that basically I am lazy and do none of the planning myself. She says she has to do EVERYTHING and I clearly can't ask her to make decisions for me. She could have made a fine decision if she had remembered BLUE and SHORT when looking at dresses instead of going hog wild and making it about her wants. I am so sick of being accused of doing nothing with my wedding. What am I supposed to do? I'm doing the best I can. I really am. And I don't know why she just hates helping me plan this. It's supposed to be a wonderful, happy, exciting experience. I have hated every minute of my planning. Hated it.
From now on, I am just going to do everything else ALONE. That way I don't need to hear what everyone else thinks or what they want. They can just DEAL with my choices on the day of the wedding.
The only reason I regret moving out here to be with Bart is that I have not been able to be as involved in my wedding as I would like to be. I am pretty limited as to what I can do out here, and most stores that I want to go to (David's Bridal, Michael's, etc.) are located in the suburbs--a place I have no transportation to. I can't meet with my vendors to discuss my plans, I can't hand-pick the hurricane glasses I want for my centerpieces.
Traci throws all of this in my face. She doesn't see the fact that I WANT to do these things; she only sees that I don't, because I can't. I made the mistake of asking her to go with Kristin to David's Bridal to pick out short bridesmaids dresses in a shade of blue we had discussed. Today, Traci flipped out on me when I was freaked out that she, Kristin and Aunt Linda had selected a shade of PURPLE instead--a shade that I had never seen and couldn't imagine. I was very reluctant (and I think understandably so) to commit to this color since I a) wasn't expecting it, and b) had never seen it before. My wedding colors are blue, grey and white. Where the heck is purple supposed to fit in???
They were finally able to convince me that this purple was the way to go (after I found the shade on the internet), and then they call me and want me to make all the dresses LONG. I want short dresses. S-H-O-R-T. I have ALWAYS wanted this. The three of them based their argument on the fact that a bride near them decided that she wanted long dresses instead of short. I am not that particular bride. All they did today was make me feel like I had no idea what I was talking about or what I wanted, and that even if I did know what I wanted, they all knew better. Traci has been jonesing for a purple dress since the beginning of the wedding planning (well, after she came to terms with the fact that she wouldn't be wearing orange).
I just feel really, REALLY undermined and betrayed right now. This is MY wedding and MY decision. Traci texted me at the end of all of this to tell me that basically I am lazy and do none of the planning myself. She says she has to do EVERYTHING and I clearly can't ask her to make decisions for me. She could have made a fine decision if she had remembered BLUE and SHORT when looking at dresses instead of going hog wild and making it about her wants. I am so sick of being accused of doing nothing with my wedding. What am I supposed to do? I'm doing the best I can. I really am. And I don't know why she just hates helping me plan this. It's supposed to be a wonderful, happy, exciting experience. I have hated every minute of my planning. Hated it.
From now on, I am just going to do everything else ALONE. That way I don't need to hear what everyone else thinks or what they want. They can just DEAL with my choices on the day of the wedding.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
I Have A Job (Again)!!!
Yesterday afternoon I was just kind of laying around reading and feeling sorry for myself (I am getting a bad cold), when a woman from ICO called me and said, "I'd like to offer you the job you applied for." WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT??? Of course, I kept me cool by stuttering, "What? You're just going to give it to me? Without even an interview?" Yup.
So, I am now a customer associate-registration person at the Illinois Eye Institute and Bart's school. I'm a little nervous because, obviously, I'll be in a new place with new people doing new things. And we all know how I react to change. On the bright side, I'll be getting a paycheck (yessss!) annnnnnd I'll get to see Bart throughout the day!!! He has promised to come to the IEI and see me whenever he can. What girl wouldn't love that??
Bad news: I have to wear a reallllly ugly uniform. But that's pretty much it for the negatives. I have a MUCH better feeling about this place than I did with the law firm. I'm feeling much more positive about this job. But I'm still nervous. Positively nervous, maybe?
So, I am now a customer associate-registration person at the Illinois Eye Institute and Bart's school. I'm a little nervous because, obviously, I'll be in a new place with new people doing new things. And we all know how I react to change. On the bright side, I'll be getting a paycheck (yessss!) annnnnnd I'll get to see Bart throughout the day!!! He has promised to come to the IEI and see me whenever he can. What girl wouldn't love that??
Bad news: I have to wear a reallllly ugly uniform. But that's pretty much it for the negatives. I have a MUCH better feeling about this place than I did with the law firm. I'm feeling much more positive about this job. But I'm still nervous. Positively nervous, maybe?
Monday, March 8, 2010
WHAT A Day...
Do you ever have one of those days where you feel like you just should have stayed in bed? Well, I've had that feeling the past two days. I won't get into yesterday (it mainly consisted of me being in a terrible mood because of no sleep and wedding stuff), because today was just SO special.
This morning I woke up, finished my book, and decided to pay some bills. The very first envelope I opened just about knocked me on my butt. It was a bill from a collections agency stating that I owe $390 to my ophthalmologist whom I haven't seen in 5 years!!!!
Seriously??? I called the agency and promptly flipped out on the woman who answered my call. She told me that waaaaaaaaay back in 2006, this agency had "tried" to collect the payment from us, but that we "must have ignored the bill." Um, no. Of course, that just infuriated me further. What do these people do?? Send out one bill, then wait FOUR YEARS to send out another?! Apparently, everything at this place is automated, so the woman couldn't tell me much of anything. She also accused us of ignoring automated phone calls from the company over the past four years. At this point I probably would have reached out and choked her if I could have--she was trying to blame us for her lame company's crappy work!
Long story short, I made two more phone calls; one to the doctor's office and one to their billing people, and I still don't have any answers. I am just furious that I have to pay for this when my insurance should have covered it 5 years ago if things were handled properly. I'll have to tell Dad everything tonight and, boy, is he going to be thrilled. Ugh.
Anyway, after my wonderful morning spent screaming on the phone, I went to Walgreen's with Tommy to pick up some new shower curtains since ours were starting to grow mold and God knows what else (thanks to living with boys who don't know to close the curtain after they get out). I figured that I'd clean the whole tub since I was putting in new curtains so that we'd be squeaky clean. BAD IDEA. I pulled up the suction cup anti-slip mat on the floor of the tub and the WHOLE underside is covered in what looks like a cross between pond scum and baby poop. I bet that thing hasn't been cleaned since it was put down (who knows how many years ago?) by the girls who lived here before us. Ugh. I sprayed foaming bubbles stuff all over it and then I'm going to fill the tub up with water and all the Clorox I have under the sink and hope for the best.
And the best part? It's only 1:30...
This morning I woke up, finished my book, and decided to pay some bills. The very first envelope I opened just about knocked me on my butt. It was a bill from a collections agency stating that I owe $390 to my ophthalmologist whom I haven't seen in 5 years!!!!
Seriously??? I called the agency and promptly flipped out on the woman who answered my call. She told me that waaaaaaaaay back in 2006, this agency had "tried" to collect the payment from us, but that we "must have ignored the bill." Um, no. Of course, that just infuriated me further. What do these people do?? Send out one bill, then wait FOUR YEARS to send out another?! Apparently, everything at this place is automated, so the woman couldn't tell me much of anything. She also accused us of ignoring automated phone calls from the company over the past four years. At this point I probably would have reached out and choked her if I could have--she was trying to blame us for her lame company's crappy work!
Long story short, I made two more phone calls; one to the doctor's office and one to their billing people, and I still don't have any answers. I am just furious that I have to pay for this when my insurance should have covered it 5 years ago if things were handled properly. I'll have to tell Dad everything tonight and, boy, is he going to be thrilled. Ugh.
Anyway, after my wonderful morning spent screaming on the phone, I went to Walgreen's with Tommy to pick up some new shower curtains since ours were starting to grow mold and God knows what else (thanks to living with boys who don't know to close the curtain after they get out). I figured that I'd clean the whole tub since I was putting in new curtains so that we'd be squeaky clean. BAD IDEA. I pulled up the suction cup anti-slip mat on the floor of the tub and the WHOLE underside is covered in what looks like a cross between pond scum and baby poop. I bet that thing hasn't been cleaned since it was put down (who knows how many years ago?) by the girls who lived here before us. Ugh. I sprayed foaming bubbles stuff all over it and then I'm going to fill the tub up with water and all the Clorox I have under the sink and hope for the best.
And the best part? It's only 1:30...
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Stuck.
So I just got off the phone with a French art curator--I was applying for a job with her--and she asked me one really tough question: "Would you continue your education if someone else paid for it?"
Wow. And the worst part was, I couldn't give her an answer. I would be continuing my education right now if I knew what it was that I wanted to be. But I don't. Which is why I was spending my time applying to a (very) part time position as this lady's assistant instead of a better paying job doing something else.
I just feel so lost when I think about what I want to be--shouldn't someone my age know what she wants to do with herself? I feel so stuck when I think about how I can't seem to find a job, or a job I can suffer through, anyway, here in Chicago. When am I going to get out of this rut and get started LIVING my life?
And do you know what else stinks? I don't even know how to take charge and turn these things around! All I do is wish that I was independently wealthy so that I wouldn't have to worry about all of this, but that isn't realistic and it is a waste of my time.
I guess all I can do is keep praying that something will happen and trying to stay positive while I job hunt and horde my money. On the bright side, the one thing I CAN take control of is my own health. I recently ordered the Biggest Loser Bootcamp DVD and I am excited to get back into shape and start eating healthy so that I look nice on my wedding day. (The wedding is another place that I feel stuck--because everything is too expensive for us to get right now!!!)
Wow. And the worst part was, I couldn't give her an answer. I would be continuing my education right now if I knew what it was that I wanted to be. But I don't. Which is why I was spending my time applying to a (very) part time position as this lady's assistant instead of a better paying job doing something else.
I just feel so lost when I think about what I want to be--shouldn't someone my age know what she wants to do with herself? I feel so stuck when I think about how I can't seem to find a job, or a job I can suffer through, anyway, here in Chicago. When am I going to get out of this rut and get started LIVING my life?
And do you know what else stinks? I don't even know how to take charge and turn these things around! All I do is wish that I was independently wealthy so that I wouldn't have to worry about all of this, but that isn't realistic and it is a waste of my time.
I guess all I can do is keep praying that something will happen and trying to stay positive while I job hunt and horde my money. On the bright side, the one thing I CAN take control of is my own health. I recently ordered the Biggest Loser Bootcamp DVD and I am excited to get back into shape and start eating healthy so that I look nice on my wedding day. (The wedding is another place that I feel stuck--because everything is too expensive for us to get right now!!!)
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Ghost Hunters
I have loved anything and everything paranormal since I was a little girl, and I attribute that love to my mom. The two of us used to watch Haunted History on the History channel every weekend, along with any shows they did about Vampires, Werewolves, etc. She is also the reason that I love, love, LOVE scary movies.
Anyway, Ghost Hunters (syfy channel) has been my favorite ghost show for years now. I always think of Mom when I watch it. Every time. I guess it makes me feel a little more connected to her now that she is gone because I know that she would have loved it.
The Ghost Hunters are very scientific in their investigations and seem to be very knowledgeable about different kinds of paranormal research. In one episode, they brought a basic rule of Physics up: Energy cannot be destroyed. They meant to use this bit of information to prove that ghost exist, but I took it as proof that we have souls that there is life after death (with God). It might sound weird, but I was so comforted by this little fact. And who knew that I would find something that would feed me spiritually on one of my favorite shows??
The reason for this post is because I discovered this morning that there is a GH marathon on today since their season premier is on tonight! I am SO excited and am really motivated to get my 6 jobs applied for and the dishes down so I can snuggle down and enjoy my TV time!
Anyway, Ghost Hunters (syfy channel) has been my favorite ghost show for years now. I always think of Mom when I watch it. Every time. I guess it makes me feel a little more connected to her now that she is gone because I know that she would have loved it.
The Ghost Hunters are very scientific in their investigations and seem to be very knowledgeable about different kinds of paranormal research. In one episode, they brought a basic rule of Physics up: Energy cannot be destroyed. They meant to use this bit of information to prove that ghost exist, but I took it as proof that we have souls that there is life after death (with God). It might sound weird, but I was so comforted by this little fact. And who knew that I would find something that would feed me spiritually on one of my favorite shows??
The reason for this post is because I discovered this morning that there is a GH marathon on today since their season premier is on tonight! I am SO excited and am really motivated to get my 6 jobs applied for and the dishes down so I can snuggle down and enjoy my TV time!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Job Hunt Day 2
So today is my second day of job hunting and so far, so horrible.
I just received an email from an excellent job that I desperately wanted, only to find out that it is a scam. What scares me the most is that these people now have my email, my phone number, my address, a picture of me and my DOB. I saved the email, reported the ad on craigslist.org and am praying that nothing bad happens next.
It upsets me that there are people like this in the world. The world is facing a terrible economic downturn and so many people are struggling to make ends meet and this guy/woman is trying to cheat honest people out of money they don't have! I guess I just don't understand why it is so hard for some people to make the right decisions and do the right things to get ahead in life.
Anyway, in other news, I haven't heard back from any other jobs yet. Sometimes it takes a month to hear back, so I do understand that it could take a while, but I am impatient. I get SO bored sitting around here all day long by myself. I need to be busy, and there is only so much apartment I can clean!
I just received an email from an excellent job that I desperately wanted, only to find out that it is a scam. What scares me the most is that these people now have my email, my phone number, my address, a picture of me and my DOB. I saved the email, reported the ad on craigslist.org and am praying that nothing bad happens next.
It upsets me that there are people like this in the world. The world is facing a terrible economic downturn and so many people are struggling to make ends meet and this guy/woman is trying to cheat honest people out of money they don't have! I guess I just don't understand why it is so hard for some people to make the right decisions and do the right things to get ahead in life.
Anyway, in other news, I haven't heard back from any other jobs yet. Sometimes it takes a month to hear back, so I do understand that it could take a while, but I am impatient. I get SO bored sitting around here all day long by myself. I need to be busy, and there is only so much apartment I can clean!
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