Alone.

The more time I spend planning this wedding, the more clear it is to me that I should be doing it alone to save myself a lot of yelling, crying and heartache. I have finally realized that I can't rely on my sister to want to help me plan my big day. Time and time again she has criticized every decision that I make, claimed that I don't make any decisions, hated my color choices, bossed me around, and the list goes on.

The only reason I regret moving out here to be with Bart is that I have not been able to be as involved in my wedding as I would like to be. I am pretty limited as to what I can do out here, and most stores that I want to go to (David's Bridal, Michael's, etc.) are located in the suburbs--a place I have no transportation to. I can't meet with my vendors to discuss my plans, I can't hand-pick the hurricane glasses I want for my centerpieces.

Traci throws all of this in my face. She doesn't see the fact that I WANT to do these things; she only sees that I don't, because I can't. I made the mistake of asking her to go with Kristin to David's Bridal to pick out short bridesmaids dresses in a shade of blue we had discussed. Today, Traci flipped out on me when I was freaked out that she, Kristin and Aunt Linda had selected a shade of PURPLE instead--a shade that I had never seen and couldn't imagine. I was very reluctant (and I think understandably so) to commit to this color since I a) wasn't expecting it, and b) had never seen it before. My wedding colors are blue, grey and white. Where the heck is purple supposed to fit in???

They were finally able to convince me that this purple was the way to go (after I found the shade on the internet), and then they call me and want me to make all the dresses LONG. I want short dresses. S-H-O-R-T. I have ALWAYS wanted this. The three of them based their argument on the fact that a bride near them decided that she wanted long dresses instead of short. I am not that particular bride. All they did today was make me feel like I had no idea what I was talking about or what I wanted, and that even if I did know what I wanted, they all knew better. Traci has been jonesing for a purple dress since the beginning of the wedding planning (well, after she came to terms with the fact that she wouldn't be wearing orange).

I just feel really, REALLY undermined and betrayed right now. This is MY wedding and MY decision. Traci texted me at the end of all of this to tell me that basically I am lazy and do none of the planning myself. She says she has to do EVERYTHING and I clearly can't ask her to make decisions for me. She could have made a fine decision if she had remembered BLUE and SHORT when looking at dresses instead of going hog wild and making it about her wants. I am so sick of being accused of doing nothing with my wedding. What am I supposed to do? I'm doing the best I can. I really am. And I don't know why she just hates helping me plan this. It's supposed to be a wonderful, happy, exciting experience. I have hated every minute of my planning. Hated it.

From now on, I am just going to do everything else ALONE. That way I don't need to hear what everyone else thinks or what they want. They can just DEAL with my choices on the day of the wedding.