Frustrated.

This has been a pretty unfortunate week for me, what with surprise bills, screaming matches with my sister, and having the rug pulled out from under me in regards to my own wedding planning. Of course, I am frustrated.

Yesterday was horrible. After the whole color/dress fandango, I just couldn't find the strength or the will to think positive. I hurt from that encounter, especially in my heart. I laid in bed for quite a while after, mainly feeling sorry for myself and wishing that my Mom was here. I know that she is what is really missing--why I really can't seem to give in fully to excitement in the planning. Maybe I do expect too much of Traci because Mom isn't here anymore. Maybe I expect her to be as excited about all of this as Mom would be and to want to take the time to help me. I don't know. I just really wish she could step up and be there when I need her.

God was brought back into my life through my Aunt and cousin a year ago (on March 29th) during a pretty rough time. I began praying every night after I read a little bit of the Bible and my copy of My Utmost For His Highest. I really felt those prayers and conversations I had with God--right in my chest. It felt good and right. I am ashamed to say that, once I moved here, my prayers slowly came to a halt beyond thanking God every night for bringing Bart into my life. Yesterday, as I lay in bed feeling so alone, I realized the extent of my mistake. I MADE myself be alone by not continuing to strengthen my relationship with God. I felt like I just used Him. I thought that maybe I could pick up where I left off. I opened My Utmost and began reading. And nothing made sense. I couldn't concentrate or remember what I had just read. That made me feel so frustrated and even more alone.

When Bart and I went to bed, I tried to pray about what happened with everything. I couldn't. It just didn't feel right. I just felt so full of anger and hurt--filled to the top. It was like I was beating against a brick wall when I tried to pray. A wall that I just didn't have the strength to break down. And that really scared me. I don't want to have those kinds of feelings inside me, especially about my family. And I don't want those feelings to be a reason why I can't connect with God. I want to be able to let go and move on. I keep trying to just brush the whole incident off, but I keep feeling that sense of betrayal and a -rug-pulled-out-from-under-me feeling that makes the hurt and anger well up inside me again. So frustrating.