Bart

Life is pretty boring. Bart has been so busy the past two weeks with studying, preparing for the Optometry's Meeting in Orlando, organizing the Quiz Bowl, and working on a scholarship project that I hardly have any time to spend with him. I keep trying to remind myself that it's only temporary and that things will be a lot easier when the Quiz Bowl is over. I do love the fact that Bart is so involved in school and optometric life. It's kind of comforting to know that he really, truly loves the profession he has chosen for himself. I would hate for him to have to work at a job he hated just to support a family.

Bart is someone I really admire. He works so hard at each and everything he does and he constantly creates and meets personal goals. He makes me wish that I had something in my life that I was as passionate about. I wish that I had the will power to meet my own goals. (P.S. I'm failing miserably to work out religiously and loose weight). And you know what else? Everything he does, he does with our future in mind. He wants so badly to start up his own practice, not only because it is a personal goal for him, but because he knows that his own practice would be the only way he'd be able to truly enjoy a family. Instead of having to work the crappy hours, he could make his own and be around for every milestone.

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that, though I may complain about not getting to spend time with Bart every day, I'm glad that I'm sacrificing a little time with him now so that we'll have lots of time together later when it really counts.

Teeth? Who Needs 'Em!

So today is one of my two days off per week (the other is Sunday), and I finally got to sleep in! I don't know what it is about not getting two days off in a row, but I never feel rested before I have to go back to work again. Yuck.

Anyway, yesterday at work was interesting. Since we see at least 200 patients per day (over 400 on our long days), I get to meet a lot of weirdos. Case in point: Woman With Weird Blue Eyes. I was approached right before the end of my day yesterday by a woman with almost white-blue eyes. Freaky. It looked like she only had the whites of her eyes and then this startlingly black pupil. It was like something out of a scary movie, but not as scary as the blood-red eyes of the albino girl that came in last week, but I digress. Anyway, this woman wanted to make an appointment for herself and as I start entering her information into the system, she asks me how old I think she is. Now, I really hate getting this question from patients because 99% of the ones that we see are very poor. Very poor people tend to age badly and look at least 10 years older than they really are. What did I do? I thought fast (for once). I told her that I hadn't thought about her age because I was so surprised by her eyes.

And things only got weirder from there. I guess this woman, who looked like a young 65, but who was really 35, thought she was a comedian or something. Every sentence she spoke came out like a punch line, but she wasn't saying anything funny. Then she tells me (like a hilarious joke) that she has MS, used to box and do something in a dojo (sp? I don't know what that is anyway...) and how she used to get teased as a kid. She spoke as though she could have taken on Jackie Chan or something, never mind her limp and the fact that she probably weighed 80lbs. Talk about uncomfortable!

She went on to tell me she liked my laugh ("Oh, thanks!") and my teeth ("Oh. Thanks?") Then she told me that she almost died due to an infection she had in her gums (and laughed the whole time). Apparently she had all of her teeth removed because of it. And how do I know this? Because she not only told me, SHE OPENED HER MOUTH LIKE A STARVING BABY BIRD AND SHOWED ME!!!!! That's why.

I swear to God, I must have jumped back about a half mile when she did. What is wrong with people???? And let me tell you something else, I have never brushed my teeth with more vigor than I did last night.

Feelin' Good.

Good news! I have actually found a job that I LIKE!

This week I began working at the IEI in the Registration department and, so far, I absolutely love it! The difference between this job and the Legal Assistant job is unbelieveable--I'm not miserable/exhausted at the end of an 8 hour day. In fact, I work 10hrs. two days and 11hrs. one day, and I'm beat, but I'm still HAPPY at the end. How great is that?

The people I work with are pretty nice and there is only one woman there that I don't like too much, but it's definitely not a big deal. All of the women working at the front desk with me love to laugh and have fun and joke around, so it is a really laid back environment. Most of the patients we register and pretty nice, too. Although I've had a few run-ins so far, but that's to be expected.

Marina, the woman training me, told me yesterday (technically my second day actually working) that she is so "proud" of how "great" I'm doing and she's going to tell my supervisor. This work comes much more easily to me. Maybe it is because of the friendly environment and because I don't have a horrible person breathing down the back of my neck.

Anyway, the only problem I do have with this job is the crappy schedule. I work Mon and Tues 8:30-6:30, Wed 8:30-7:30, Fri I have off, and Sat I work from 8:30-1:30. Saturday is what I most hate, mainly because now I only get one day of the week to really spend with Bart, and he has tests every Tuesday, so he studies on Sundays. Oh well. Oh yeah, and I have to wake up at 6:30 on Saturday mornings in order to get ready to get to the train so I can be to work on time. Bart says jts about an hour ride on the train to get to the IEI. Yuck!

It's good to be happy!

Weekend, Wedding, Ball.

First of all, Saturday was not St. Patrick's day as I had been lead to believe. I can thank Bart and the city of Chicago celebrating early for that one.

Anyway, yesterday was a pretty nice day. Bart and I went for a 2 mile power walk (well, I power walked and got out of breath and sweat, Bart just walked) so I could get some exercise and we could spend a little time together enjoying the sunshine. It was nice to walk off allllll of the frustration I have been carrying around with me for the past week. I think I get that from my Mom--whenever I am really upset about something, I walk really fast. Just like she did. It was nice to be able to let go of everything that was piling up around me, you know?

Also, I had a mini panic attack yesterday because I realized that it was exactly 5 months away from our wedding day and I still have so much to do! I have a huge list of things I need to get done, but I have been able to cross off two big things this weekend, which is pretty great. We secured a DJ who seems fantastic and doesn't charge and arm and a leg and I was finally able to figure out my flowers with the help of a florist here in the city. All I need to do now is contact a florist back home and get an estimate and send a deposit! I think I'm going to try working on that today. Then I can chip away at the other things that need to get done (i.e., wedding rings, bridesmaids dresses, boutinneres, wedding shoes for me, etc.) It's a long list.

Bart and I are attending an upcoming event for his school. It's this big fancy dinner thing called, and I swear I'm not lying, the Eye Ball. Seriously. Anyway, I went last year and it was lots of fun and the food was great. It's being held at the Aqarium this year, which I think will be a lot more fun than the Planetarium was. I ordered a dress last week from JCREW for the event. Here's the dress if anyone wants to see it:

http://www.jcrew.com/AST/Browse/WomenBrowse/Women_Shop_By_Category/dresses/weddingsparties/PRDOVR~62983/99101857187/ENE~1+2+3+22+4294967294+20~~~20+17+4294967113~90~~~~~~~/62983.jsp

I wanted the dress in Wisteria, but they were sold out of that color in my size, so I got the Warm Fig, which I love. AND, I got 30% and free shipping because I spent $150 (I bought a t-shirt to bring me up to that price), so my entire purchase cost less than the dress itself before tax! YAY! Now I just need to get shoes to match and maybe a great, cheap piece of jewelry from H&M and I'm all set!

Birthday!

Today is Bart's 25 birthday! And, as I'm sure you're aware, it is also St. Patrick's day.

I think it would be pretty neat to have my birthday on a major holiday like this one--people all over the city are dressed up in the most ridiculous outfits and celebrating their hearts out. They even dye the river bright green here! It almost seems like everyone in Chicago is celebrating Bart.

Unfortunately, Bart has a big test Tuesday, so he is spending most of today studying. Last night we went out to eat with 15 of Bart's friends to celebrate at Hop Haus. It's this restaurant/bar with the most amazing burgers! They even have "wild burgers"--kangaroo meat, ostrich, wild boar, etc. Cool, right? I don't think anyone was brave enough to sample one of those, though. I made the mistake of ordering a "small" caesar salad--it was the BIGGEST salad I have EVER seen in my entire life. Obviously, the only other food I was able to eat after that salad was a single bite of Bart's burger.

All in all, I think it was a pretty good party. Bart really seemed to enjoy himself, especially once we got to this great Irish pub, the Kerryman. As you know, I'm not a big drinker (I actually didn't even get my usual glass of wine last night), but I had the BEST time at the bar. The music was great, the atmosphere was fantastic and the bartender who served me a whiskey (for our friend who bought our dinners) was IRISH. I mean with the accent and everything. I love Irish accents. Love them.

In other news, I finally booked a DJ for the wedding! The guy is SO nice and is really interested in making sure our wedding is a great party. He really cares about the music we like and cares about how much fun our guests will have (a lot, I think!). I'm so glad that we chose him!

I think tomorrow Bart and I are going to take a trip down the street to this great florist shop. They have taken pity on me and promised to help me out with my wedding flower selections. This way, when I call florists on the East Coast, I won't get taken advantage of; I'll be informed! I'm pretty excited to see what the babys-breath bouquets will look like. My darling little wedding planner and cousin, Alyssa, gave me the thumbs-up on them when I asked her opinion, so I want to find out prices.

Frustrated.

This has been a pretty unfortunate week for me, what with surprise bills, screaming matches with my sister, and having the rug pulled out from under me in regards to my own wedding planning. Of course, I am frustrated.

Yesterday was horrible. After the whole color/dress fandango, I just couldn't find the strength or the will to think positive. I hurt from that encounter, especially in my heart. I laid in bed for quite a while after, mainly feeling sorry for myself and wishing that my Mom was here. I know that she is what is really missing--why I really can't seem to give in fully to excitement in the planning. Maybe I do expect too much of Traci because Mom isn't here anymore. Maybe I expect her to be as excited about all of this as Mom would be and to want to take the time to help me. I don't know. I just really wish she could step up and be there when I need her.

God was brought back into my life through my Aunt and cousin a year ago (on March 29th) during a pretty rough time. I began praying every night after I read a little bit of the Bible and my copy of My Utmost For His Highest. I really felt those prayers and conversations I had with God--right in my chest. It felt good and right. I am ashamed to say that, once I moved here, my prayers slowly came to a halt beyond thanking God every night for bringing Bart into my life. Yesterday, as I lay in bed feeling so alone, I realized the extent of my mistake. I MADE myself be alone by not continuing to strengthen my relationship with God. I felt like I just used Him. I thought that maybe I could pick up where I left off. I opened My Utmost and began reading. And nothing made sense. I couldn't concentrate or remember what I had just read. That made me feel so frustrated and even more alone.

When Bart and I went to bed, I tried to pray about what happened with everything. I couldn't. It just didn't feel right. I just felt so full of anger and hurt--filled to the top. It was like I was beating against a brick wall when I tried to pray. A wall that I just didn't have the strength to break down. And that really scared me. I don't want to have those kinds of feelings inside me, especially about my family. And I don't want those feelings to be a reason why I can't connect with God. I want to be able to let go and move on. I keep trying to just brush the whole incident off, but I keep feeling that sense of betrayal and a -rug-pulled-out-from-under-me feeling that makes the hurt and anger well up inside me again. So frustrating.

Alone.

The more time I spend planning this wedding, the more clear it is to me that I should be doing it alone to save myself a lot of yelling, crying and heartache. I have finally realized that I can't rely on my sister to want to help me plan my big day. Time and time again she has criticized every decision that I make, claimed that I don't make any decisions, hated my color choices, bossed me around, and the list goes on.

The only reason I regret moving out here to be with Bart is that I have not been able to be as involved in my wedding as I would like to be. I am pretty limited as to what I can do out here, and most stores that I want to go to (David's Bridal, Michael's, etc.) are located in the suburbs--a place I have no transportation to. I can't meet with my vendors to discuss my plans, I can't hand-pick the hurricane glasses I want for my centerpieces.

Traci throws all of this in my face. She doesn't see the fact that I WANT to do these things; she only sees that I don't, because I can't. I made the mistake of asking her to go with Kristin to David's Bridal to pick out short bridesmaids dresses in a shade of blue we had discussed. Today, Traci flipped out on me when I was freaked out that she, Kristin and Aunt Linda had selected a shade of PURPLE instead--a shade that I had never seen and couldn't imagine. I was very reluctant (and I think understandably so) to commit to this color since I a) wasn't expecting it, and b) had never seen it before. My wedding colors are blue, grey and white. Where the heck is purple supposed to fit in???

They were finally able to convince me that this purple was the way to go (after I found the shade on the internet), and then they call me and want me to make all the dresses LONG. I want short dresses. S-H-O-R-T. I have ALWAYS wanted this. The three of them based their argument on the fact that a bride near them decided that she wanted long dresses instead of short. I am not that particular bride. All they did today was make me feel like I had no idea what I was talking about or what I wanted, and that even if I did know what I wanted, they all knew better. Traci has been jonesing for a purple dress since the beginning of the wedding planning (well, after she came to terms with the fact that she wouldn't be wearing orange).

I just feel really, REALLY undermined and betrayed right now. This is MY wedding and MY decision. Traci texted me at the end of all of this to tell me that basically I am lazy and do none of the planning myself. She says she has to do EVERYTHING and I clearly can't ask her to make decisions for me. She could have made a fine decision if she had remembered BLUE and SHORT when looking at dresses instead of going hog wild and making it about her wants. I am so sick of being accused of doing nothing with my wedding. What am I supposed to do? I'm doing the best I can. I really am. And I don't know why she just hates helping me plan this. It's supposed to be a wonderful, happy, exciting experience. I have hated every minute of my planning. Hated it.

From now on, I am just going to do everything else ALONE. That way I don't need to hear what everyone else thinks or what they want. They can just DEAL with my choices on the day of the wedding.